What a fun question! One I have asked myself before in a time of weakness. Shortly after I moved to Haiti I was walking to the school one day feeling hopeless. It had been an awful few weeks and I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I was feeling like I had moved here in vain and really couldn’t handle it. I was doubting the whole “God doesn’t call the equipped but equips the called” thing. It was awful. I looked up flights that day. But thankfully, I remembered why I was here and how I got here. Those things, along with some friends, encouraged me enough to keep going. I hope they will somehow encourage you as well.
In this instance, the “why” may be the easier question to answer. Why am I here? It’s simple, God called me here. Maybe that sounds like an answer that stops further questions but it is the truth. God called me here, therefore I am here. I may never truly understand all of the pieces of my life that God put together in order for me to end up here, but I can share about the ones that I see and recognize. So, how did I end up here?
Let’s start at the beginning, at least as far back as I remember. I grew up in an area where trips to Haiti were frequent. There were missionaries from here that visited our area. People talked about Haiti a lot. My mom even went on a few trips. She came back with a special place in her heart carved out for this country. A country I had never been to but already started to love. I remember seeing the pictures and hearing the stories and being in awe. I know that I spent many years asking Mama when I could come on a team. I was fascinated. But as much as I thought I loved it, Haiti was far away and something that I really didn’t understand. (This is actually where the phrase “love you to Haiti and back” came from. Haiti was the farthest place I knew from home.)
In March of 2017, I visited Haiti for the first time on a team with the construction department. There was so much sorrow and beauty in every glimpse I got. All of my senses were in overload between pure joy and ultimate pain. I loved every second of my trip. But at the same time, I couldn’t quite explain what I loved. I knew I loved the kids, I loved them maybe too much. I wanted to bring all of them back to the states with me. On this trip, I truly fell in love, not just the love I had in my head for years, but love deep in my soul. I met missionaries that became a huge part of my story and now are wonderful friends. At that time, there were two ladies living at the guesthouse. One helped to teach at the missionary school as well as working with the construction department. The other encouraged me to go with her to visit the school one day. We went out to the churches that weekend and worked. On Wednesday, the team went out to work at another church and I stayed back to visit the school. It was a whirlwind of a day. I remember after we got back to the guesthouse we had a nice long (teary) chat. I asked this now good friend of mine why she was here, why Haiti? Every answer she gave me included something about how God led her here. In that moment, I realized that I had never really asked God what He wanted. I was in school for elementary education striving for a job as a kindergarten teacher. I was doing everything I had always wanted. That day was the first time I stop and asked God what He wanted for my life. I left that year with Haiti in my heart saying that I would love to visit every year but would never live here. Never say never, right?
I returned to the states after that trip feeling confused. I didn’t see much worth in the life I was living and planning to live in the States. I couldn’t get my mind off of Haiti, I brought it up in every conversation and had pictures of this country constantly playing in my mind. I spoke to some others who had visited before and I remember them saying that’s just how it is. You feel funny after the first time (maybe after every time). But have no fear, eventually, that feeling goes away. You leave those feelings for the week that you spend down there every year. So I tried. I tried to make those feelings go away but I just couldn’t. I contacted that missionary and shared my feelings with her. Two things I remember her sharing with me are “God is not a God of confusion” and “sometimes God speaks to your heart and then asks you to wait”. Both things turned out to be very impactful in my story. You see, I was confused and tormented and those feelings were not of God. I needed to stop following those feelings and instead follow Him. And speak to me He did and make me wait oh He certainly did. Sometimes that is the hardest part, the waiting.
When I finally felt as though it was God’s will, I contacted two schools. A close friend of mine has always said to go until the door slams in your face. Well, one did. While one school got back to me, the other never responded. So I started talking to the principal who really didn’t need me that year. And the waiting began. I asked if we could try to work on moving foward even without the need and so we did. She told me to contact two organizations and I did. One didn’t respond and the other did. These are the things God was doing, showing me where to go. But here’s the thing: no one knew. I hadn’t shared my heart with others yet. One evening, Mama was in the kitchen and I was sitting on the couch in the living room. She came around the corner and said, “If you ever wanted to live in Haiti you know that would be okay with me, right?” Mama doesn’t remember this happening but I can’t forget it. As I started to tell others my heart, other instances occurred. I was still in college and had not shared with my classmates or professors what I was thinking. My professor read a book and finished up by leaving us with a little encouragement to do whatever it is we were feeling like we needed to. She gave some examples, the last one being mission work. I was stunned. I shared my heart with my class that night. There were many other “little” things that moved me in a big way.
After a lot of waiting, praying, and searching I knew by my next trip to Haiti (March 2018) that I would officially be moving to Haiti in the fall. How insane! This place that just a year before I had said I would never move to. If you can only take one thing from this story let it be this: never tell God what you will and will not do. I still had the pleasure of going out to the job and spending time with the Haitian people I had grown to love. I also had the opportunity to meet some of the missionaries I would be living with. As well as visiting my house and the school. It was an exhausting and wonderful week. That week calmed some of my fears and brought about new ones.
In August of 2018, I moved to Haiti. I had a one-year contract to teach at the missionary school. I was teaching four 2nd graders. It was a wonderful year. Yes, there were many hardships. Many times where I felt alone and uncertain. Many times where I questioned, “God, why am I here?” The bright spot in my days was my students. Seeing their sweet smiles and getting their big hug attacks never failed to make me remember why. In February of that year, I was suddenly sent back to the states as there was a lot of unrest in the country. This was something we had been keeping our eye on but I thought I would be staying here. Those few weeks that I was in the states were the hardest part of that year. Trying to figure out where I fit in with the friends and family I had left behind didn’t mesh. I missed my students and my new family here in Haiti. Returning home was joyous and made me realize just how much this had become home to me. In the spring I gained a fifth student who was is 1st grade. She brought more joy to our class, it was like our little famly had a hole that we didn’t know was there and she filled it. Also during this year (fall 2018-spring 2019) I felt led to change mission organizations. After much prayer, thought, and counsel I moved from WorldTeam to RMI. Both are wonderful mission organizations that I am glad to have the pleasure of working with. Like all things in life, I just had to find the one that fit me best.
I returned in August of 2019 unsure. I wasn’t unsure of everything, of course. I was very sure that God wanted me in Haiti and I was sure that I would be teaching. But I was unsure of so much more. I didn’t quite know what I would be teaching. I also was moving into the transition of living alone. I wound up teaching three grade levels: five 1st graders, two 2nd grades, and four 3rd graders. I had all four of my students from the first year returning as well as some of their siblings and several other new students. It was a hard year teaching-wise. I had students with varying levels of English, thank goodness for ESOL in college! I struggled with feeling like I couldn’t give any of my students enough of myself. They loved me through it. I was starting to feel that God wanted me to serve elsewhere but I didn’t know where to go. All I had ever known was teaching, what else could I do? I didn’t want my students to feel that I was abandoning them but I had to do what was best for me. No, I had to do what is best for all of us, I had to follow God.
When COVID hit Haiti we started doing school at home online as best that we could. During this time, I started talking and working some with our Hope for Kidz team at RMI. I don’t recall when exactly I began but I know there was some sort of overlap. Since then, I have continued to work with HFKz. My job amazes me every day. I love seeing all the work that we are able to do for these kids and the future of Haiti. I adore the people that I work with. For the time being, I feel that this will be my home for a while. I am content in where the Lord has called me. I don’t know how long this time in this job or in Haiti will last but I pray that I will continue to follow the Lord’s calling through it all. I am so thankful for the blessings that I have received and the hardship I have endured throughout this journey.
I will be returning to the states for about two months this summer. During this time I would love to see you and/or your church family! Check out the calendar below to know where I will be when and to see availabilities. If you would like to schedule something as a church or as an individual, please let me know! It is always a struggle to spend quality time with everyone I would like to but we can always try! Please pray for this visit and continue to pray as I return home in August for another year of ministry.
Love You to Haiti and Back 