Sometimes I feel like I post all the sunshine and rainbows. The beautiful flowers. The joy. The smiles. The uplifting verses and quotes. The good reports. I get comments about how wonderful it all is, about how great I am, about how happy it all seems.
And that isn’t it. Well, it is some of it. But it isn’t all of it. Sometimes there is rain. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is fear. And doubt. Screaming. Pain. Hurt. Sometimes things don’t go well at all. Sometimes it isn’t wonderful, it isn’t happy. And honestly, I am never great.
It is always God who is great. And that is easy to see in the things I share. God is wonderful, He is there in the joy and the beauty. But we forget that He is also there in the pain. He is still God in the hurt.
It is not easy. I am not always the person you see online. There are days that I miss the mark, big time. There is hurt I have caused and hurt others have done to me. There is fear of the future, of the unknown, sometimes of the known. There is doubt that God is truly there. Doubt that He is with me. Doubt that I am where He wants me. There are tears. So many tears, sometimes more than I have. I make mistakes culturally, lingistically, spiritually, emotionally. I hurt my Haitian brothers and sisters, my fellow missionaries, and my family and friends in the states. I don’t answer the phone. I speak without thinking. I long for a better day. I’m not content in where He has me. This is the reality.
The reality still includes those wonderful days. It includes the joy and smiles. The reality is knowing God is with me, knowing I am where He has me in all aspects of my life. It is being able to minister to my Haitian brothers and sisters, my fellow missionaries, and my family and friends in the states. It is what I share online.
The reality is both of those things wrapped up together. Sometimes it is 50/50, sometimes it is different. Both sides sometimes outweigh the other. The reality is that what you see is not always real. The true reality is that I struggle. And you struggle. And sometimes we put up a front that we do not struggle. That causes others to see us and feel alone in their struggling. But none of us are alone. We all have bad times. They may look different but they are there.
Please, know that I struggle. Do not allow me to cause you to feel alone. Do not allow me to cause you to feel less than. Allow me to take this time and say to you, I see you, I feel you, I am you. God can use my struggle and yours. But we cannot hide it from one another.
Do you struggle?
Love You to Haiti and Back 