Homesick

I don’t know how to explain it. I know others get frustrated with me. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself. How can I be in the place that I was born and raised and feel so homesick? How can I be in the place that everyone assumes would be home and feel so utterly out of place? Why do everywhere I go I find myself thinking about a different place, a different country? I know that people are exhausted with me. They don’t understand how I can spend all of my time talking about a place they’ve never been to. They don’t understand the ache I feel in my chest, that longing to just be home. I go to church, I am underwhelmed. I go to the store, I am overwhelmed. I am driving down the road and reaching for the horn. When I have any free time, I want to call up my friends and see if we can get together. Then I remember they are several plane rides away. I go to grab something to eat and am trying to find the rice and beans. I stop for fast food and there’s no pate. I sit on the couch and reach for Otis and Lucy only to remember they aren’t there. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my time in the states. I am thankful to catch up on things I need to catch up on. I am thankful for sweet times with good friends. I am so glad to see my Mama. I have loved getting to meet my neice and see the rest of my family. But I am so homesick. And I know that when I go home, there are things from here that I will miss, too. It’s a confusing life.. sometimes you can feel like you have one foot in and one foot out. It’s tempting to put both feet in (or out) but at what cost? My feet are confused, my mind is confused. I miss home. I miss Haiti.